ckmama

so... i should spend this precious treasure of a naptime studying the commentary i borrowed so that i'm ready to teach. i should also clean the house. i should also take a shower. but everything in me is telling me to sleep. i think i might listen and figure out the rest later.

i heard the distressed cry of my sweet and crazy three year old boy outside the sliding glass door and assumed that he was having trouble getting it open. i ran to help him and there he was - both hands suspended and closed into fists- kicking the door with his little foot and screaming for mommy. i opened the door for him and he popped inside with a sigh of relief and opened his hand to reveal...... two fistfulls of slugs. i screamed. then i took him to the back door and helped him shake them back onto the grass. he whimpered... "but their my little buddies."  i scrubbed his hands twice. did you know that slug slime is hard to get off? 

every night after i tuck the kids into bed i get called back into their room several times for extremely urgent needs. (shadows on the wall, drinks of water, a last snack, one more kiss, etc....) last night after being called back in three or four times... julian called me yet again. i poked my head in trying to mask my irritation. 

"mommy. i need something that i don't know what it is. could you get it for me?" 

doesn't that about sum it up, moms? 
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every few months i change my name. well - to be completely accurate - my name is changed for me by the little boys who live with me. you see, whatever cartoon or action figure they happen to be into at the moment usually has one or two token female figures. and i have to play the female role. (talk about typecasting.) and they are in character constantly - esp. julian.  right now i go by april.  julian climbed into bed with me yesterday morning around 5am and said, "um... april? can you go find my passy and care bear?" the week before that my name was dazzle.  that was a nice week. i have to admit i liked being called dazzle in public by the little boys trailing behind me. i have been wendy - three different times.  i have been wonder woman. (that was nice too.) i have been scarlet, mary jane, lois and hawkgirl. dori, elastigirl, mira, jane, jessie and bo. there have been more. but that should do.  

i'll give you a dollar if you can identify all the references.
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we were on our way to the library and emerson was chatting with his best friend in the backseat.  they were talking about the good old days at pre-school, when they could "do anything the wanted." 

nick:  yeah! pre-school was fun.

emerson:  yeah. pre-school is the only kind of school i like.

nick:  me too.

emerson:  kindergarden is boring.

nick:  so is first grade. sometimes its so boring i just have to sit down and think about you. 

:) 

ok...so no dog. you were emphatic and unanimous. i read every response to my husband. we hear you. you have been most helpful.

so my oldest baby... emerson... starts kindergarden tomorrow. up till today i have been both excited and nervous. but mostly excited. he has been only excited. 

so i just blew it. he and his little brother, julian, have been fighting all day. senseless brain numbing types of interactions... you know - "i was singing that song first." "don't look at me." "i wanted the blue fork and he got it!" this sort of thing. finally i blurted out...

"guys! this is emerson's last day home. you go to kindergarden tomorrow and you guys won't get to play all day. don't make your last day before school starts like this. enjoy each other." 

it took a few minutes but suddenly it bubbled over... a trembling lip, a spill of tears and cue... "I don't want to go to school." 

"but why honey... you've been so excited. you'll still get to play with julian all the time. schools gonna' be great. you're gonna' love it! why don't you want to go? you'll have tons of friends and you're teachers nice and remember how much you liked the playground and your transformers lunchbox!" i was practically yelling now in a maniacal, paniced attempt to get him to rewind back to when he was only excited. 

"i don't want to learn things."

"oh but honey... yes you do. you want to read and... plus there will be lots of play time too. and you loved pre-school. you learned things there."

"but i don't want to go somewhere for the whole day." more tears.

my heart was bursting. i don't want him to go somewhere for the whole day either. how do i convince him that its okay when i don't know if it is. sigh.... i mean i know its going to be fine. but truly... if i had an option of half day kindergarden... i wouldn't even think twice. Columbus Public only offers full day... and i'm sorry... but i just don't think my 5 year old needs to be in school for 6 hours a day. and i don't like it. but there it is.

don't get me wrong... i'm super excited for him but...... it was easier to be super excited when he was only exicted. now he's sad and scared and i can't let him see that i'm sad and scared. but i am. 

i know it will be okay. a part of me even looks forward to the hard parts because i know they are important, character forming things for him to go through and i feel confident that chris and i have the tools necessary to help him through. but... well... i just wasn't prepared for the wave of sadness that would hit us both today. i just wasn't prepared. 

so i promised him we'd talk about it when his little brothers went to sleep and now he is waiting downstairs. i'll go down and hold him on my lap and do my best to exude confidence and peace while we work through his questions and concerns. but at some point i'll have to just say... this is the way it is... so let's make the best of it. that's how it is with emerson... i usually have to let him process for a while and then end with his own choice to accept reality or not. to choose contentment and joy in the face of things being not quite the way you'd like it... or to choose pouting and anger even though it won't change a thing. he usually comes around. and its a good lesson. but this one is hard. 

emerson wants a dog more than anything. to the point that he will sometimes hang his head and sit looking miserable for periods of time saying, "but when mom? when can we get a dog? you used to say when we had our own house and now we do. i promise i'll take care of it." and he doesn't just look disappointed when i say not yet. he looks downright heartbroken. once we went to a pet store where you can play with the puppies. he cried the whole way home. whenever he gets money he tells me its for his puppy. sometimes he ties yarn around his stuffed animal dogs neck and takes it for a walk. my heart!

but i have 3 little boys. i get up in the night with them. deal with their poop and other bodily emissions. sweep and vacuum and pick up after their tornado-like presence hourly. take them to doctors appointments. shush the other two when one is sleeping. try to make sure each of them gets enough attention. spend lots of time and money filling their growing bellies. and barely find enough time and energy to make sure they are clean and well-groomed. 

these are all things that *I* would end up having to do for a dog too. 

i don't think i've got it in me right now. but those sad little eyes. :( i went on the Pets Without Parents website and looked at the dogs up for adoption right now. big mistake... more sad little eyes. now i feel like a criminal. but i keep telling myself that if i give in i will only end up regretting it and resenting the work.

emerson starts school in a week. my other two are 3 and 1. i have decided to put off thinking about this further until christmas at least. 

strengthen me. help me keep my resolve. you kid/dog owners... what do you have to say?

so, my  husband has been slammed at work lately. he's also been traveling more than usual. i hate it when he's gone. i miss him.

his trips have been glamorous. sometimes thats hard too. the dissimilarity of our jobs is stark right now. don't get me wrong... i LOVE my job. :) but sometimes... well... not so glamorous. 

so, this week, chris was in Napa Valley doing a photo shoot for Dean and Deluca's new wine and spirits catalog. he was staying in some VP's home and going to dinner where they ordered him $70 steaks and expensive bottles of wine. he drove in a convertible along the sonoma coast capturing its beauty on film. and went to a beautiful old winery where they were serving a private luncheon in the english garden. and he poked around san francisco in the time he had before his flight. a few weeks ago he was in new york where he went to mario batali's restaurant - Babbo. and he stayed in a hotel where there were recognizably famous people also staying. and shot pictures of lots of rich and beautiful people in a manhattan loft drinking wine and eating fancy elegant food. you get the idea. 

me?... i stayed home with my three little boys. (incredibly cute and wonderful little boys but little boys none-the less.) i ate turkey and cheese sandwiches and apple slices and when things got a little fancy we actually bought Mama Mimis pizza and made banana blackberry smoothies. i washed dishes. i spread hydrocortizone cream on mosquito bites. i pushed swings. i read bedtime stories. i gave baths, brushed teeth, gave time outs, tried to endure a lot of whining, wiped bottoms, tried not to yell, and cuddled. i wouldn't trade it for the world. but sometimes its just... well, i don't need to explain, do i?

even more than jealousy... it makes me feel insecure. i feel so plain when he comes home. so tired and worn out and simple and small town. but every time... i realize that even though he experiences so much glamor... i trump it all in his heart. i am not a glamorous girl. i'm just not. i wish i was sometimes. but i am who i am. but to my great surprise, everytime.. i can see in his eyes and hear in his voice that glamor is not what he's looking for from me. and what he's looking for from me...? glamor can't touch it. 

so maybe when chris gets home tonight? instead of being  insecure... i will run up to him and throw my arms around him and assume that i am the best thing he's seen all week. without him having to tell me.